1 00:00:00,813 --> 00:00:04,919 Conflict resolution or how to avoid conflict 2 00:00:05,076 --> 00:00:09,073 with other people is a typical problem of everybody. 3 00:00:09,233 --> 00:00:14,446 The reason for conflict is because people come from different places 4 00:00:14,793 --> 00:00:18,501 different environments, and they bring with them attitudes 5 00:00:18,646 --> 00:00:23,380 which they picked up there. Merely commanding another person 6 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:27,730 saying to another person "You ought not to think the way you think" 7 00:00:27,881 --> 00:00:30,649 does not alter the behavior. 8 00:00:30,843 --> 00:00:34,205 If you really want to get along with people 9 00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,551 only when they say to you 10 00:00:36,695 --> 00:00:41,218 "What's the best way to put the shovel into the ground?" "Use your foot. 11 00:00:41,393 --> 00:00:45,910 It's easier." If they don't ask you, let it go. 12 00:00:46,361 --> 00:00:49,205 The best way to avoid conflict is to not 13 00:00:49,348 --> 00:00:52,370 superimpose your values, even though they're better 14 00:00:52,592 --> 00:00:54,891 than the other person's values. 15 00:00:55,035 --> 00:00:58,761 Roxanne may like cats. 16 00:00:58,911 --> 00:01:03,002 I don't like cats in the house because they... 17 00:01:03,165 --> 00:01:07,069 I feel that they're dirty and all that, but anyway... 18 00:01:07,838 --> 00:01:12,066 The question is: How much do I like Roxanne? 19 00:01:12,517 --> 00:01:14,830 If she doesn't mean that much to me 20 00:01:14,980 --> 00:01:17,357 I say "The cats go or I'll go." 21 00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:20,460 When you deal with people 22 00:01:20,744 --> 00:01:24,184 whatever their views are, unless they say to you 23 00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:29,067 "What do you think of my views?" then you can give your opinion. 24 00:01:29,561 --> 00:01:31,923 Like sometimes 25 00:01:32,949 --> 00:01:36,071 Joel may feel that his boss 26 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:39,330 is not correct in his values. 27 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,865 If you were to confront him with saner values 28 00:01:43,009 --> 00:01:45,301 he would not understand it. 29 00:01:45,445 --> 00:01:49,073 He would resent it too because it's a put-down. 30 00:01:51,219 --> 00:01:53,177 When you meet people 31 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:57,034 they tell you what their values are by the way they speak 32 00:01:57,184 --> 00:01:59,980 the way they talk about different things. 33 00:02:00,180 --> 00:02:03,787 Unless they say to you "What do you think of my values?" 34 00:02:03,931 --> 00:02:08,862 then you open up, or "What do you think of the way I use the paintbrush?" 35 00:02:09,638 --> 00:02:12,369 If they say to you "That's no way to use a paintbrush" 36 00:02:12,519 --> 00:02:14,555 that doesn't tell you how. 37 00:02:14,781 --> 00:02:18,891 You wipe it on the can, or whatever it is, you can tell them. 38 00:02:19,645 --> 00:02:23,759 Very few people, unless they're going to school to study 39 00:02:23,903 --> 00:02:29,513 aviation mechanics, they go there to learn what this guy has to say 40 00:02:29,719 --> 00:02:33,097 but if one of the students tells them something 41 00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:35,787 they would feel put-down. 42 00:02:35,950 --> 00:02:40,292 The student says "Well, you don't understand the mechanics 43 00:02:40,436 --> 00:02:43,892 of a piston engine." That's a put-down 44 00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:48,534 because the student is telling that. If the instructor told him that 45 00:02:48,678 --> 00:02:52,497 he went there to study plumbing or art 46 00:02:52,647 --> 00:02:55,903 or music, so you listen to an instructor. 47 00:02:56,066 --> 00:02:59,584 You're there to learn what they have to tell you 48 00:02:59,757 --> 00:03:02,156 but when you meet ordinary people... 49 00:03:02,306 --> 00:03:05,606 If Roxanne is working on something 50 00:03:05,782 --> 00:03:10,061 and it's very important to her, and there's a phone call 51 00:03:10,261 --> 00:03:12,564 which detracts her away from that 52 00:03:12,708 --> 00:03:16,114 and she may go back and not continue along the lines. 53 00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:20,776 If you say "You should continue along the lines you're working at..." 54 00:03:22,139 --> 00:03:27,060 Unless she said "Christ, I'm terribly disorganized 55 00:03:27,222 --> 00:03:29,321 what do you suggest I do?" 56 00:03:29,465 --> 00:03:32,943 Then you write 1,2,3,4,5 57 00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:36,312 and she says "I don't like 4 and 5." 58 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:40,873 But don't argue with her. If she says "I'm not sure of 4 and 5" 59 00:03:41,030 --> 00:03:44,559 then you can instruct her. The language tells you 60 00:03:44,709 --> 00:03:48,682 when a person wants to hear more or no more. 61 00:03:48,857 --> 00:03:52,648 Anything you say is a put-down to normal people 62 00:03:52,827 --> 00:03:56,462 if it improves, if it's overseeing 63 00:03:56,771 --> 00:04:00,171 overseeing the other person's shortcomings. 64 00:04:00,372 --> 00:04:03,725 If another person has shortcomings 65 00:04:03,881 --> 00:04:08,352 you work with those shortcomings, unless they say 66 00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:11,987 "How are you able to accomplish four films a day 67 00:04:12,177 --> 00:04:14,261 and I can only do one?" 68 00:04:14,408 --> 00:04:18,835 Then you can say "Because you clean out, you bake with the oven 69 00:04:18,978 --> 00:04:22,057 and then you water the lawn, then you go back to your job." 70 00:04:22,325 --> 00:04:26,200 You have to stay with each system. Do you understand what I mean? 71 00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:31,001 If you get out to do a bridge and in the meantime you water the roses 72 00:04:31,158 --> 00:04:35,356 and trim trees, a lot of things remain half-done. 73 00:04:35,538 --> 00:04:37,400 I don't say you do that. 74 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:42,782 But if you walk over to Larry and say "Don't do it that way. Do it this way" 75 00:04:43,114 --> 00:04:46,692 you're superimposing your values. They may be right 76 00:04:46,843 --> 00:04:50,033 but you don't superimpose unless they ask you. 77 00:04:50,381 --> 00:04:52,489 Conflict occurs 78 00:04:52,633 --> 00:04:56,856 when a person doesn't seek your advice and you advise them. 79 00:04:57,037 --> 00:05:00,103 It doesn't always occur, but it will. 80 00:05:00,297 --> 00:05:02,663 The way to get along with people 81 00:05:02,801 --> 00:05:07,454 is to let them be what they are, unless they say 82 00:05:07,623 --> 00:05:11,596 "I don't seem to get along with Polacks. What's my problem?" 83 00:05:12,268 --> 00:05:14,523 Very few people do that. 84 00:05:14,661 --> 00:05:18,283 Very few people... In fact I've never run into a person that said 85 00:05:18,427 --> 00:05:21,909 "What do you think of my value system? 86 00:05:22,109 --> 00:05:25,115 What do you think of the way I think?" 87 00:05:25,265 --> 00:05:29,988 If they do that and it's sincere, not an ego thing 88 00:05:30,132 --> 00:05:33,082 where they appear to be polite. 89 00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:39,496 If a person annoys you in some way 90 00:05:39,678 --> 00:05:43,669 just say "I don't like to discuss races. 91 00:05:44,101 --> 00:05:47,604 I mean if you want to be racist OK, I'm not interested in that." 92 00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:51,047 If he says "How come you don't see niggers the way I see them?" 93 00:05:51,187 --> 00:05:53,473 you can explain. 94 00:05:53,617 --> 00:05:58,321 But if he says "Well, God damn it, that's the way I feel," let him talk 95 00:05:58,471 --> 00:06:03,736 or discharge him, if you hired him and you don't want to hear that. 96 00:06:04,418 --> 00:06:08,340 We hired a guy... There was a black man up on a pole 97 00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:11,506 working on an antenna. 98 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,225 And the guy says "I need some rope." 99 00:06:14,362 --> 00:06:17,737 He says "Tie it around your neck. If you fall you'll hang yourself." 100 00:06:17,906 --> 00:06:21,504 He thought that was appropriate for the black guy. 101 00:06:21,770 --> 00:06:25,783 We never hired him again because he was too low-grade. 102 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:30,432 To undo that, you have to undo his whole life 103 00:06:30,832 --> 00:06:34,079 and either you hire a guy to put up an antenna 104 00:06:34,292 --> 00:06:36,557 or you work on his whole life. 105 00:06:36,782 --> 00:06:41,850 The question is: How different is the person's background than yours? 106 00:06:42,281 --> 00:06:46,926 Does the person seek information and if they did 107 00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,966 don't feel like you're instructing them. 108 00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:54,019 If you come over and say "Larry, that's no way to use 109 00:06:55,020 --> 00:06:56,522 a paint remover" 110 00:06:56,741 --> 00:06:59,603 the best thing to do is to say "I used to do it that way 111 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,302 then some other guy told me another way." 112 00:07:02,443 --> 00:07:06,347 They don't like personal criticism coming from you. 113 00:07:06,572 --> 00:07:09,603 I don't get involved in that kind of discussion 114 00:07:09,765 --> 00:07:12,744 because it can't go anywhere, unless the person says 115 00:07:13,028 --> 00:07:17,006 "What do you think of the goddamn Mexicans coming into this country?" 116 00:07:17,158 --> 00:07:21,725 "I think the same way about 'unloyal' Americans 117 00:07:22,159 --> 00:07:26,795 that don't appreciate this country," instead of attacking the Spanish people. 118 00:07:27,264 --> 00:07:31,894 Say, "I find Americans, some of them, to be very offensive 119 00:07:32,404 --> 00:07:36,852 and some to be OK" but you need not get onto the Spaniards 120 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,362 because he has a fixed view on Spaniards. 121 00:07:40,506 --> 00:07:43,815 You say "There are plenty of Americans that are subversive." 122 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,478 He would agree with you as a rule 123 00:07:46,609 --> 00:07:50,701 and if he says "Well, I don't know, I've never found an American..." then get off 124 00:07:51,205 --> 00:07:53,864 if he doesn't want to discuss it 125 00:07:54,001 --> 00:07:57,367 if he feels satisfied with his point of view. 126 00:07:57,821 --> 00:08:00,304 The main thing you have to keep in mind 127 00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:03,248 is other people come from different places 128 00:08:03,398 --> 00:08:05,679 and they see the same thing you see 129 00:08:05,835 --> 00:08:08,006 but their interpretation is different. 130 00:08:08,156 --> 00:08:10,568 Unless they call for answers 131 00:08:10,712 --> 00:08:12,595 "What do you think I ought to do?" 132 00:08:13,042 --> 00:08:16,055 If a person has a short memory, make notes. 133 00:08:16,211 --> 00:08:18,354 You tell them that once or twice 134 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,167 but not continuously, if they don't apply it. 135 00:08:22,537 --> 00:08:25,065 You give people instructions. 136 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:29,121 If they apply it, give them further instructions. 137 00:08:29,393 --> 00:08:34,762 If they don't apply them, it means it's just a verbal pastime. 138 00:08:35,424 --> 00:08:40,429 "What do you suggest I do? My wife likes cats, and I like dogs." 139 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:44,273 You don't have to come up with some story: 140 00:08:44,433 --> 00:08:47,405 Let her have her cats so she lets you have your dogs. 141 00:08:48,143 --> 00:08:51,334 In working with conflict 142 00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:54,518 you do it once or twice. 143 00:08:54,681 --> 00:08:58,194 You say "It seems to me if you held the drill this way 144 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,949 first, it would work better and that's what I found." 145 00:09:03,302 --> 00:09:06,051 But if a person doesn't ask you and they're busy drilling 146 00:09:06,199 --> 00:09:08,854 and they say "I don't want your fuckin' advice! 147 00:09:09,001 --> 00:09:12,617 You tend to your computer, I'll tend to my drilling." 148 00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:17,835 Sometimes people don't want advice. They feel they're being put down. 149 00:09:19,361 --> 00:09:23,600 Stop giving one another advice. That produces antagonism 150 00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,476 unless they ask for it. 151 00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,838 Is this an absolute formula? 152 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:30,144 It's a better way of dealing with people 153 00:09:30,284 --> 00:09:32,893 because you can't turn them around 154 00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:36,065 by pointing out "The trouble with you is 155 00:09:36,233 --> 00:09:40,780 you don't listen to anybody!" That doesn't cause them to now listen. 156 00:09:40,988 --> 00:09:43,084 They'll go on with their same pattern 157 00:09:43,228 --> 00:09:46,550 unless they say to you "Am I inattentive?" 158 00:09:46,685 --> 00:09:49,217 or "Do I appear inattentive?" 159 00:09:49,368 --> 00:09:52,921 Very few people talk like that. That's what sane means. 160 00:09:53,065 --> 00:09:56,347 Sane means, when a person comes over to you and says 161 00:09:56,491 --> 00:10:00,432 "I'm not familiar with that jigsaw, how to use it." 162 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:04,248 Then you instruct them. If they come over 163 00:10:04,417 --> 00:10:07,564 everyday and say "I don't know how to use a jigsaw" 164 00:10:07,714 --> 00:10:10,900 watch them and guide them through it. 165 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,069 Does that make sense? 166 00:10:13,388 --> 00:10:16,341 Do you have any attitudes now about different people 167 00:10:16,478 --> 00:10:18,965 that think differently than you do? 168 00:10:19,102 --> 00:10:21,461 They think differently than you do, period. 169 00:10:21,752 --> 00:10:25,228 Making a comment as "You're dimwitted" or "slow" 170 00:10:25,371 --> 00:10:28,018 "The trouble with you is that you have no imagination!" 171 00:10:28,234 --> 00:10:32,501 that doesn't alter behavior. It only increases conflict. 172 00:10:32,823 --> 00:10:35,748 Do you understand what I'm saying? 173 00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:39,536 If a person's a very good painter of roses 174 00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:44,430 and you like roses, then you associate with him for that reason 175 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,262 but if he says "If you just ask me 176 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,440 all the Irish ought to be sent back to Ireland" 177 00:10:49,744 --> 00:10:54,157 say "Well, I don't feel that way about the Irish 178 00:10:54,342 --> 00:10:56,700 so I'd rather not discuss it." 179 00:10:56,850 --> 00:10:59,750 "I think there are Swedes that behave badly 180 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:03,235 and some Swedes that behave well." You can say that. 181 00:11:04,483 --> 00:11:08,543 He might understand that "...but I appreciate your comments." 182 00:11:09,248 --> 00:11:12,489 Don't wipe him out. "You're a racist!" 183 00:11:12,633 --> 00:11:14,962 Don't wipe him out.